Escaping Canada and saying goodbye to our northern crypto-brethren our moccasins take us to a place in this great country where few men walk. A dark, rough place where life is cheap and you don’t ever go more than five miles from your family. This place is the Ozarks (a series of mountains and plateaus in Missouri, Arkansas, and Oklahoma)and it harbors one deadly secret: The Ozark Howler.
The Ozark howler has been sighted since “Native American times to present” as noted science website unknown-creatures.com reports. Eyewitnesses report the creature to be as big as a bear, with wolf/cat like features and fucking horns. Oh, and legend also has it that the mere presence of this creature is known to “killaman” as I think one local said. Sightings have been sparse and it was not until one brave woman Nancy came forward just a few years ago to tell the riveting story of how her neighbor ran into the Howler one snowy night where the creature that he reported looked like a cat and a dog mixed attacked his livestock. The original EYEwitness account can be found here, and it is worth the read. Nancy herself is quoted as saying “There is no reason for him to make up such a story.” So with no reason not to believe him we are left with no choice but to believe. Yet the NPS(National Parks Service) still refuses to do anything about this monster roaming the Ozarks and scaring our livestock. Picture proof below… try and deny this now NPS… and STEVE you fucking ass.
Howler on the prowl. #LivestockBeware #HowlerIsReal
Caught in the act! #proof #evidence #HowlerisReal
The Howlers hunting grounds… and they are getting bigger #StopHowlerNow #WakeUpNPS
Leaving Jersey and thanking The Garden State (our host) we head out towards Ohio. More specifically Loveland, Ohio which is near Cleveland….? Or east of it or well it doesn’t matter its Ohio.
We are going to encounter a creature of the likes we have yet to see, an amphibious cryptid. We are looking for none other than The Loveland Frogman. Frogman sightings stretch all the way back to 1955 and since then there has been over 1 more sighting, and the most recent… 1988. The time of the Frogman is nigh. The Frogman was first spotted by a “prominent” business man who was driving down a road that runs along the Miami River on the way to Loveland. It was around three thirty in the morning, so he for sure wasn’t drunk, and he witnessed 3 Frogmen at the side of the road, so naturally being a white dude he pulled over to see what these Frogmen were doing. The business man watched the Frogmen for what he said seemed like an hour. Apparently all the Frogmen did was stand around, until one of them raised what seem to look like a wand and at that point the businessman bailed because when Frogmen are pulling out wands, shit is about to go down. Since that original sighting there have been two more. The first of which occurred in 1972 a Frogman was witnessed by a Police Officer(bound by the law to the truth) who reported that he had to slam on the brakes and almost struck what appeared to be some sort of “man frog thing.” The last sighting occurred in 1988 by some farmer or whatever people in Ohio did in the eighties. The Frogman, or men are said to range from 3-4 ft tall, with large round frog-like heads and spend most of their time crouched over. Their diets consist of small fish and large bugs mostly, it is known to go to great lengths like venture across busy roads for a good meal. So again we have discovered a creature forgotten by ‘scientists.’ 3 sightings in just 33 years, the numbers don’t lie. Neither does this hand drawn eyewitness drawing, or this mini doc from the fucking Society of Monster Spotters the leading mini doc authority on cryptids. Feast your eyes below. The Frogman is real.
It doesn’t get more definitive than this. #handdrawnevidence #AfuckingBusinessmanSawThis #Proof
Let me stop you before my inbox explodes. YES, I am still in Florida and YES this is very dangerous for me. But you don’t understand something is happening down here. Don’t care what you or Lance tell me. Florida is ground zero squatch nation and danger shmainger I’m staying.
My Investigation on what the fuck is going on in Florida’s water ways continues. To be honest I’m still shaken up from the bloodbath I was investigating several weeks ago. The muck monster was a welcome change of pace. While I was tracking down what I believe to be a family of Ozark Howlers who have wandered into God’s waiting room several locals pointed me in the direction of Lake Worth Lagoon. What I found their caused me to rush back to HQ and write the very post you are reading now. This was more than just another weird log hunt, this was a run in with the Muck Monster.
Reported to be pretty long by locals and totally real. The creature has been known to slowly and awkwardly float towards it victims. It has been reported to have “Totally grossed out” several Lake Worth swimmers. The most notable encounter happened on a sweltering August day in 2009. Local heroes Greg Reynolds and Dan Serrano, of the organization Lagoon Keepers, were called out on a routine weird log removal job. What they found was somehitng much more sinister. As they approached the log Dan reported that he “was completely just like creeped by it you know?” Greg felt something similar stating “ This was not your average gross log, this log was alive.” When they attempted to capture the beast it slipped through there nets every time. All told the two spent 3 hours wrestling with the creature. In the end they chased it into deeper water. The most fucked up thing about the creature is that it appears to not have any eyes. Dan likened it to a giant earthworm, to which Greg quipped, “And not the kind you want to find at the end of a hook!” We laughed for a solid 30 minutes after that. You heard it hear folks from two heroes protecting their home waters. The Muck Monster is real. End the weird log cover up and protect these majestic worms. As always follow the evidence below and the truth will set you free.
Muck Monster on the move. Swimmers beware.
Show me a man who says Channel 5 would lie to you and I’ll show you a dirty naughty liar boy.
If you think that could be a log you are a fucking idiot.
Top of the evening loyal watchers. As you know from my last post I have now firmly planted my flag in the flower state, aka Florida, aka God’s waiting room.
Now I know what you’re thinking. ‘Kevin, what the hell are you doing planting your flag anywhere!?!?! The NPS is after you!’ First, thanks for reading my last post and believing in me :,) … means a lot. Second, don’t worry fam your boy Kev is safe and sound. Only thing those Government goons know is that I am in Florida. Plus I’ve already been found guilty of trespassing, so I can just call double jeopardy if they try and get me for it again. Ahhhhh what am I doing this is off topic… let’s get back to the heart of this whole venture…. the cryptids BABY!
One of the reasons I decided to land HQ in Florida is becasue it is RIFE with cryptid activity. From hominid ape like mother fuckers to flying lizards this long state has it all. It is also home to one of the largest animal massacres since the 1886 Fouke, AR incident. It’s one of the biggest mysteries in the animal murder circuit and I aim to solve it.
Allow me to paint a picture of the destruction before we get our hands dirty. Some two years ago on a muggy July morning Dave Dunder and his daughter Maureen were headed to the Indian River Lagoon. Where Dave was going to teach Maureen how to skip rock, a time honored Floridian tradition that stretches back as far as NASCAR. When the trail ended and Maureen and her father finally got to the lagoon, instead of taking her first steps to becoming a true Floridian, Maureen was met with utter carnage. The lagoon and the river leading to it had turned a dark crimson color. In the center of the lagoon the bones and carcasses of over 500 mammals, birds, and fish floated in a disgusting heap. After reporting the animal massacre to the National Parks Service (big mistake) the father and daughter were fed some bullshit about pollution and sent on their way. When the NPS finally went public with the incident they sold the public the same lie they sold Dave & Maureen. According the ‘suits’ the massacre was actually caused by pollution from fertilizer runoff and this was just a product of years of build up. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…. YEA RIGHT!
After soaking all this information in and traveling to the infamous Indian River Lagoon myself I have uncovered the real truth. This was a coordinated cryptid attack. They struck hard and fast. I am not sure what they were after but it is long understood in the cryptid community that mammals and cryptids just don’t mix. To find out which cryptid(s) was/were involved we only need to look at the numbers. Approximately 111 manatees, 300 pelicans, and 46 dolphins lost their lives in the massacre. Now it seems as if the main targets were the pelicans. Pelicans are members of the bird family, and we all know how much cats hate birds. Thus the cryptid(s) responsible for the crime must be cat related or at least part cat. Bada bing bada boom that narrows the field down to two suspects: The Bladenboro Vampire Cat OR The Ozark Howler. Both are part cat, and both hate birds. But hey why listen to these words when you can see what I am talking about. Picture evidence below:
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE INDIAN RIVER LAGOON MASSACRE MUST BE REVEALED!
Need I say more? #TalkAboutASmokingGun #SuchTragedy #StadUpForTruth
Found at bottom of Indian river lagoon. Some (dipshits) call it sludge from the pollution build up. Others (geniuses) recognize it as grade A mystery poop. Probably from a howler or VC. #MysteryPoop #TruthisinthePudding
A picture of a Bladenboro Vampire cat taken just 100 miles west of the Indian lagoon incident. #CatOnTheRun #WeKnowYou'reGuilty
Cryptid V. Mammal expert Dr.Chroneilius breaks down the Howler’s favorite method of attack. #TheyGoForTheNeck #AdviceFromDrC #WatchYourNeck
Howler nest discovered in northern Florida. If you look close enough you can see where it laid it’s eggs. #HowlerBreakThrough #Truth
There you have it Squatch Nation. Yet another violent cryptid incident swept under the rug. Cryptids are real! Never forget the Indian River lagoon massacre!!
Find the truth before it finds you.
Kev
The Squatch Watcher
Well well well cryptophiles, mothmen, and jackalopes guess whose back. AND I bet you thought I died.
Kevin has finally returned to the internet. I know exactly what you are thinking, you’re thinking ‘THIS guy is well well welling us when he is the one who fell off the face of the earth!?!’ All I can say is that I’m sorry and I hope you understand. It just took a long time to get back on the trail after my house boat sunk. I still don’t know how it happened for sure some say that’s what I get for living in a glass bottom boat meant for tourism. While others, me, say there’s something more, a third man in the mix if you will.
Allow me to elaborate on my theory, just three weeks before my house sunk I saw three National Parks Service jeeps at Barnes and Noble. My former employer had finally come to get me. I should of pulled up anchor right then and there! But I stayed because my intern liked the location so much……. those NPS jeeps weren’t at Barnes and Noble to get good books for reasonable prices they were there to plot the sinking of my boat and the destruction of my research! I had finally come too close to the truth for the NPS to handle. However, they only completed half of their mission those stupid fucks didn’t think about flash drives, luckily my good for nothing intern did something right and backed up my info. Once I knew they were after me, we hit the road hard. Been zig zagging for the past eight months disguising our scent. We’ve finally landed in the deep south. That’s all I’ll say about that for now. Let’s look to the future.
My intern was able to convert his mom’s old panel van into a live in research center. I’m telling you Sasquatch is as good as captured in this bad girl. I’ve dubbed her Yeti-Headquarters. The intern wanted to call it the Squatch-Mobile cause he ’did all the work.’ I laughed in his face and made him do push-ups. Keep your eyes to the intertube for more posts soon.
There comes a time in ever Cyrpto-/woman/man/both/or child’s life when they have to look in the mirror and ask: Is finding Goatman worth spending a month in Texas? And the answer is always, no, fuck no, you get yourself out of Texas now. So I went to the only place that made any sense, Detroit. Well kinda Detroit…. Wexford County Michigan, only 4 hours from Detroit, and the home of the Dogman.
Many say the Dogman is the same thing/related to the Beast of Bray Road but that’s bullshit, and those people are stupid. Just kidding, y'all are alright. Anywho I found myself in b.f.e Michigan talking to locals about the infamous Dogman. First sighted by Lumberjacks in the 1800s who proclaimed the creature as "having a man’s body, and a dog’s head.“ There were other sightings which caused a stir in the Lumberjack community and in 1887 they had a Lumberjack summit about the creatures. The main topic was on what to call this ferocious creature that obliviously had it out for Lumberjacks… after hours of deliberation one Lumberjack spoke up from the back of the room… "Dogman” the room erupted and it was decided this new cryptid would be called Dogman. Lumberjack’s could be considered America’s first Crypto-zoologists but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Other than Lumberjacks the creature was also sighted by a 13 year old who snuck out of the house for a smoke. Oh and a a farmer… once. Dogman was able to keep a low pro until the early 2000’s when a groundbreaking video was released, I have linked it below. Of course those hacks at the History Channel called it a hoax in order to cover up the truth. Dogman continues to stalk the woods, four hours, outside of Detroit. Something must be done. Picture annnnnnd VIDEO(link) evidence below.
Peaches, Paula Deen, and casual racism weigh heavy in this squatch watcher’s stomach. So you can imagine how relieved I was to hear rumblings of Goatman sightings in the southwest. I could finally leave backwardass Georgia and set my moccasins for the much more progressive, Texas. The shores of Lake Worth to be exact.
The Goatman of Lake Worth comes from a long line of Goat-people that currently roam forests not only around the country but internationally as well. The most famous example being the Goat-People who protect the shores of the Loch Ness. It is a little known fact that the Loch Ness Monster is a story made up in order to keep the existence of Goat-People underwraps. But hey that’s a whole ‘nother story! The Goatman or men we are talking about first landed in Maryland sometime in the 1820’s, heard about all the chili & racism down in Texas and couldn’t resist migrating sometime in the free loving 60’s when sightings of the beast first happened near the Lake. In 1963 teenagers who totally weren’t experimenting with LSD started witnessing a Goatman creature that looked like a “Man and a goat, but combined.” The local sheriff laughed the reports off, as was the fashion for sheriffs at the time, until one Tommy Brunson reported that while him and his sweetheart were ‘necking’ the creature leaped from a tree and attacked the car leaving an 18inch gash in the side. The sheriff had no choice but to ignore this report as well. The inaction of law enforcement and the National Parks Service to stop these violent attacks on couples drove other eyewitnesses into hiding causing reports to die off until a rash of attacks occurred in 2012. As many as one report was filed that quoted “a 7-9ft tall, sex crazed Goatman that was literally trying to lay anything in sight, chicks, dudes, animals… it made me feel weird.” The evidence and attacks are piling up, when will the national media or the National Parks Service step up to protect our cars! Picture evidence below my friends.
“Hey you guys making out over there?” #PervyGoatMan #GetSomeGoatMan
“No seriously, you guys making out? Its cool, keep going ;)” #TommyandJaneNecking #GetSomeGoatMan #PervyGoatman
Photo proof, feast your eyes on the glory that is part man part Goat. #goatman #Proof #Evidence
One could loose track of time in the glades… one minute you are on the hunt for old Skunky out in the middle of the tall grass, and next time you look at your watch four weeks have passed. Four weeks in Florida can change a man and it took news of a fucked up house pet eater who stalks the sweet shores of a Georgia river tickling the feet of swimmers to pull me away. It’s name was Altamaha-ha, and it was no laughing matter.
The Altamaha-ha gets it’s name from the Altamaha River in southeastern Georgia. This squatch hunter did not see that coming usually locals are so creative with cryptid names. Well anyway Altie, as locals call it, has been described as like a 30ft long monster that swims like a seal and is a master of disguise so sightings are rare as shit. Altie or Mr. HaHa was first sighted by Native Americans so you know it’s real. Also by a boy scout troop in the 50’s. What the fuck is more wholesome than a boy scout troop from the 50’s?? If you don’t trust the Native Americans, you gotta trust the scouts. Even though their HQ is in Utah, and is mostly Mormon, the dudes wouldn’t lie. Oh and also this guy promises that he saw one come up for air once. The most stunning evidence comes from a rash of pet disappearances and foot ticklings in the late 1990’s. Over 3 pets were reported as ‘mysteriously missing’ as one local paper wrote. On top of the pet murders like 15 people reported feeling and seeing something strange when they were splashing around in the waters of the Altamaha. If Native Americans, Boy Scouts, and mother fucking tickle attacks can't convince you than hopefully this photo evidence can.
Antatomy of a HaHa volume one. Real because of scientific words #Contain #Resemblance #Horizontal.
Altie poised and ready. #GetThoseFeet #ThatLooksSmallerThan30ft
Ladies and Gentlemen… Altie. Nail in the coffin. #NowThatsWhatICallProof #GoodLordThatsALotOfEvidence
Let’s face it you can take in Alaska for like a day before that nature shit gets boring. So I was happy when I caught wiff of an old familiar stench on the southern winds. It was the Skunk Ape and his smell was challenging me to find him. Challenge accepted bitch, hold on to your butts Florida.
I wasn’t in the Citrus State long before the search lead me to Cypress Swamp( on the outskirts of Tallahasse) where most reports of the skunk ape originate. It is also home to all American badass Dave Shealy the number one guy on all things Skunk Ape. One sit down with him had me convinced, he told me where I could find the real dirt on Bigfoot’s smelly ass cousin.
Dave hooked me up with a couple of names and off I went into the swamps and backward ass.. uhh.. villages or small towns or whatever you call a bunch of shacks in a swamp. What I gathered from many eyewitness accounts is that the ape stands about 5 to 6 ft tall is covered in hair and smells like shit. It has been known to scare campers ( a common Squatch trait) and steal apples. Specifically from bushel baskets. Skunk Ape first grabbed the nation’s heart in 1974 when there were a rash of sightings in the suburban neighborhoods of Dade county. Fences were being destroyed and apples were going missing. It is a surprise the national guard wasn’t called in. But then again it was the 70’s man we were knee deep in the muck and guck of Nam, and I was just a twinkle in my mom’s eye. The sightings seemed to go away with the war until in 2000 when a local woman (who remained nameless) in Saratosa began reporting a extremely foul smelling ape stealing apples from her yard. Every time the police showed up the Skunk Ape had already made his escape. So with fed up with the police department’s inaction she took the law into her own hands and snapped pictures of the creature caught in the act! She mailed them to the police department but was shrugged off as a loon. Why must good Americans loose their apples? The Skunk Ape is real, bring it to justice. Photo evidence below.
Hands off the apples bro. #CaughtInTheAct #NotACostume #AppleThief #WhereDaBushleBaskets
Arrows don’t lie. #BelieveInSkunkApe
Hopefully the National Parks Service wakes up and protects Florida’s apples before it is too late.
My welcome in Idaho was well worn… the NPS came sniffing around asking questions and the locals began eyeing me like I stole something. So it was time to throw deuces to all the potatHOES and head north. More northier than our moccasins have ever been. To a place that is so fancy you actually get paid to live there, Alaska. Besides fancy snobs with their government checks I found one of the more terrifying cryptids to walk the earth, Adlet.
Adlet has been sighted for centuires by the Inuit and Alaskan settlers alike. The creature came into this world much like the Jersey Devil through some freaky animal on human action. Back in the day, like the 1800s, some smooth as fuck dog charmed the pants off some lady and bingo bango bongo…Adlet. News of the strange birth spread throughout Alaska and soon Settlers and Inuit alike began reporting strange attacks. The worst of which was reported in 1848 by a goldminer named Chuckles (no last name given). Ol’ Chuck reported how one night while he was completely sober and not contemplating suicide for his life choices a beast that “was half man and half dog and looked like a Dogman ” attacked him almost killing him and taking all the gold that he totally found. Sightings died down until 2011 when a group of vacationers were found torn to shreds in their cabin…. just foolin.’ But for real two hunters did report something that looked a lot like a Mandog in 2011. The questions is how long will the NPS let this mountain of evidence stare them in the face before they realize the Adlet is real and he is taking ALL THE GOLD. Adlet proof below.
When I used to visit my Granddad in the home where he spent the his last and most lucid years, he used to tell me “Jimmy, there’s gems in dems mountains, and that somovabitch Sharlie is the key….” Then he’d either fall asleep, or flip me a dime and say “Now catch the trolley outta here, Tommy.” So it must of been destiny that brought me to the beautiful boarders of potato country, Idaho. (no you da ho)
Sharlie, Slimy Slim, or The Twilight Dragon if your fancy calls the crystal clear waters of Payette Lake, just north McCall, Idaho it’s home. This ancient creature has been sighted since ancient times by ancient Native Americans. The creature gained national fame during the roaring twenties, when two construction workers, reported that they:
“were hanging out on the north side of the lake totally not drunk because it’s prohibition and that would be illegal, and do we look like two guys who would break the law officer? Well anyway we was hanging out and then outta nowhere Dave’s like hey look at that fucked up log, I think its moving, and I was like shit Dave IT IS MOVING!” The two witnesses said in no way could a log move the way what they saw did. Soon after this first sighting, in 1944, Sharlie was seen again by several groups of campers who described ol’ Slim to be long as shit with a dinosaur head, humps like a camel and fucking shell like skin. The creature has been sighted 12 times since 1944 each one getting more violent than the next as if Sharlie is trying to warn us. Something this tough could only be around to protect something…. but what? Call this old Squatch Watcher a softie but I gotta believe my Grandpappy, Sharlie is protecting North America’s largest Gem mine and the National Parks Service is keeping it under-wraps in order to control the Gem trade. Well folks, here is the evidence I hope help blows the lid off of this thing. Free Sharlie. Free the Gems.
Headed slighlty South east out of the Great White North and into the Great White North of Wisconsin and its hideous secret. Move over cheese and badgers time for a new and terrifying star to rise. The Hodag. My moccasins took me straight to the the heart of Wisconsin to a totally not evil sounding place called Rhinelander. What this Squatch Watcher found will shake the nation.
The ‘scientists’ and most of the so called 'residents’ of Rhinelander will try and tell you the Hodag was proven to be a hoax back in 1890’s when the dude who killed one of the beasts said that he had made the whole thing up. YEA RIGHT. I’m just supposed to believe some joe schmo like that? It didn’t take much digging but I unearthed the true and harrowing story of the Hodag. Around 1893 well known lumberjack and scamp about town Eugene Shepard reported seeing a creature with the head of a frog, thick short legs and the back of a 'spiked dinosaur.’ Soon other lumberjacks started seeing the creature and by 1895 the Hodag was a Wisconsin sensation. Papers from around the country told stories of the creature stalking lumberjacks in the great northern woods. Sightings became more and more common and in the summer of 1896 two beloved lumberjacks Chucky Finesworth and Bill 'loose toe’ Hays went missing after they set out to find Hodag. The disapearnece inspired Eugene to return to the woods with several bear wrestlers and destroy the beast. Eugene and the wrestlers entered the woods where they battled and killed one Hodag with dynamite, and were able to capture another one using a chloroform soaked rag on a long stick, a tried and true cryptid capturing method. Of course when Eugene returned to Rhinelander he was not greeted as a hero and defender of lumberjacks, but as a prankster. All because some science assholes said the creature was 'obviously a fake.’ I don’t know about you guys but I have never known a lumberjack to tell a lie, but hey maybe I’m just oldschool. Here is the proof below, make up your own mind. #EugeneWasRight
The day Shepard won. #Proof #HodagIsReal #SeveralBearWrestlers #DeadKid
Hodag Specimen in a real life MUSEUM. #ChewOnThatSteve #FuckYouNationalParksService
Up close and olde timey. #IseeYouHodag #LumberJacksTellNoLies
Look to the skies, look to the forests, look to the sea.
One can only stay in the Ozarks for so long, its boring as fuck. Now Canada isn’t much of an upgrade but its where I heard legend of another member of the squatch fam. There had been sightings of a 7ft tall blonde haired asshole running around Ontario being a total dick to small town miners. My moccasins took me to Cobalt, Canada where I learned what Old Yellow Top was all about.
The first recorded sighting of the creature occurred in 1906 when some dude named Lorno (old timey names aimiright?) and his pal J. A. MacAuley sighted the creature while walking to work at the mines. Upon seeing the creature they threw rocks at it, as was the fashion at the time. The animal roared in response and ran off into the woods. Lorno reported that the creature was covered in black hair ‘cept for its bright yellow mane. To which the reporter responded “By golly now thats a scoop!” and dubbed the creature Old Yellow Top. The beast remained silent for the next 17 years most likely grooming his hatred for the only people he had encountered…. miners. Old Yellow Top made himself known again in 1923 when he began roaming the woods near mining camps and scaring the fuck out of miners, women, children, and anything in his path. Sightings like this continued until the 70’s when it all culminated on one night when Old Yellow was driven to attempt murder. Larry Cormack and his boys were driving home late one night from a hoot 'n’ nanny and were stone cold sober when they saw a massive yellow topped creature jump in front of their truck almost causing them to crash into a giant rock. Little has been seen of Old Yellow Top since… but its out there plotting, waiting.. miners beware you are in for a scare. The PICTURE evidence is below… make the NPS listen! Old Yellow Top is REAL!!!
Old Yellow Top hangin’ at his thinking spot. #emocryptids #CheerUpBro
“I’m ready for my close up”- Old Yellow Top #LookingGood #BlondesHaveMoreFun
Run Dogman, Run! Lumberjacks tell no lies. #PhotoEvidence #Truth #Dogman
