Sorry it has been so long since our last communiqué but I have been deep… knee fucking deep in some hairy shit back in nasty ol’ West Virginia. In pursuit of the Mothman.
The Mothman, like Cher only has one name even scientists call him Mothman. The winged creature was first spotted outside of Point Pleasant, WV in 1966 with one Newspaper reporting ” Couple See Man-Sized Bird… Creature… Something.” The subjects of the creatively titled article were Linda Scarberry her husband, and Steve Mallette. They reported to police that while driving through the old TNT factories and totally not smoking reefer they saw a creature that looked like “a big ass flying dude” it chased them at high speeds as they speed down the lonely stretch of highway. Sightings like this continued, there were like 2 more, until December, 15th, 1967 when a bridge in the area, the Silver Bridge, collapsed and killed 67 people. Sightings of Mothman stopped which led many to believe that the Mothman was warning them all along… More on this mysterious mother fucker next week. As always picture….fucking…..proof.
Plotting his next bridge attack…. #FuckYouMothMan #ProtectOurBridges #Proof
This next Cryptid is by far THE most famous that we have been in pursuit of thus far, and quite possibly the most dangerous. Peacing the fuck out of the West Virginia (an actual place, who knew!) we head south west for the arid lonesome desert of the American Southwest.
El Chupacabra, Ol’ Chupy, Chup, ChupyChupy, or if your and ass “Goat Sucker” is a North American Cryptid that has been around since the mid 90’s and has been sighted as far south as Chile and as far north as Maine where one dude is pretty sure he saw one that one Halloween in ‘96. Ol’ Chupy was first spotted in Puerto Rico and sightings quickly spread throughout the America’s and eventually found their way to fucking Russia. Universally the descriptions are largely the same, Chup is described as a short mean looking SOB that has real problem with domesticated animals and frequently fucks their shit up. Since the 90’s Chupacabra sightings have been on the rise and the evidence is becoming overwhelming. So when lamestream “scientists” try to tell you El Chupacabra could be explaineud by a rare disease that only affects coyotes called Sarcoptes scabiei you can tell them to shove this photo EVIDENCE where the sun don’t shine.
Kevin’s Cryptids ripped straight from the headlines, and given to my loyal readers. #JournalisticIntegrity #FACTS #FuckYouScience
Leaving the Fouke monster behind us we head due east for some freaky ass UFO shit. Our destination is West Virginia, to be exact its Broxton County, West Virginia. Other than being named after a large and in charge former Dodger’s closer Broxton county is home to one Freaky ass Alien Cryptid.
The Flatwoods Monster, also known as the Broxton County Monster or the Phantom of Flatwoods, or as ol’ shovel head (a couple locals call it this) was first sighted in Broxton County on September 12th 1952 by Edward, and Fred May with their pal Tommy Hyer. They witnessed what they said look like a “big ass fireball” crash on their land so they decided to check it out(white people amiright??). What they saw changed them forever. One of the men spent 3 weeks in a local hospital recovering from what he saw. the creature has been sighted at least 4 times since then and Broxton County has adopted it as a spiritual mascot of sorts. As always photos that those mother fuckers at the NPS can shove up their butts:
Tommy Hyer tells no lies. #FlatwoodsMonsterIsReal #Proof #HandDrawn
“This is my serious evidence face”- Woman in photo #ProofPositive #IHopeYourHappyStacy
Kneel before your new master children…. #NotChillFlatsy #FuckedUp #ButILikeIt
“The Flatwoods Monster is real, all the science points to this shit.”- Scientist with beard.
The door is open just put your moccasins over the threshold.
With the Great White state a distant memory floating from the dust kicked up by our moccasins, again we head west. This time for the town of Fouke, Arkansas…. yea Arkansas. My thoughts exactly.
What did I find in Fouke??? The mother fouking Fouke monster. This apelike creature is known to stand at about 7ft tall and weigh 300lbs, has 3 toes (kinda weird) and is said to have eyes the size of silver dollars that glow bright fucking red. This apelike nightmare fuel was first sighted in Jonestown, Arkansas in 1946 and later near Fouke in 1961. However this elusive mother fucker didnt make headlines until he decided to be a dick to a couple in their own house. In 1971 the monster attacked Bobby and Elizabeth Ford, this true life event inspired a movie based on this very same true life event. The critically acclaimed The Legend of Boggy Creek which swept the box offices in the 80’s and made literally thousands of dollars. The movie also lead to a peak in sightings of the creature in the early 90’s, Gen-Xers totally understood the monster. When serious physical evidence was brought to local scientists they claimed it all the be a hoax, yea fucking right. Anyway, as always them mother fucking photos. #Proof #GoToHellNationalParksService
Welcome to your fucking nightmares #FoukeYou #AccurateArtistsDepiction #Truth
The Fouke Monster has feelings too, cheer up bro I believe in you. #SadFoukeMonster #CryptidsHaveFeelings
Real PHYSICAL evidence scientists cant even deny this!! #ButTheyDid #AssholeScientists
Real life Cryptid hunters! Dr. Edmond and Mr. Ryan my fucking heroes, holding up a fouking Fouke Monster print! #RealScientists #Respect #TotallyReal #Integrity
With the stench of MoMo and Missourah fresh on our boots we make our way east. Headed towards the misty pine groves of the Great White Massachusetts. Massachusetts we MassaCHOOSE you to be our next destenation.
Crabcakes, White people, rowing these are words that when heard we associate with the pristine shores and great pine forests of Massachusetts. However, there is one word that they forget and that’s “DEMON”……. mother fucker. The Old Colony State is home to one disturbing state secret. The secret is the Dover “Demon.” The Demon is the secret. The Dover Demon was first sighted on April 21st, 1977, by three seventeen year old males who were driving near Dover, MA when their headlights spotted the odd creature. The driver thought he spotted a dog or a cat but when the car drew closer he realized it was some bizarre, and as one of the eyewitnesses described ”totally like fucked up” creature. Since its first sighting by these totally upstanding teenagers a shit load more teenagers have reported seeing the creature. So many in fact the some adults are actually considering listening to them. One of those adults is Ed Fogg an internet described ”ufological” researcher, so he knows his shit, who noticed several similarities in the stories of the eye witnesses. They all seemed to describe some sort of human/ grey big ass eyed alien, so this could very well be the first space cryptid. In all the Dover Demon is said to stand as tall as a goat and shares a strong, but totally not weird, connection with the young. So Massachusetts the MasaCHOICE is yours take a stand against lamestream science and accept your reality or continue to wear your blinders. Choose wisely. Photos, all the proof I need.
Easily mistakable for a small dog or cat. #DoverDemonIsReal #RealPhoto
What real science looks like. #CryptolozoologyOnAnotherLevel #ScientificProof
Hiding from asshole teenagers #KnowThatFeelBro #TeenagersCanBeBrutal
I hope this helps turn a couple heads, raise a few eyebrow, maybe shake up the establishment a little bit who knows. Fuck shit up.
Sadly our time on the Golden coast of California had to come to and end. The east was calling again, or more like the middleish? I don’t know, it was fucking Missouri alright don’t ask me why but I had to go there. Not cool Missouri(?) but a place called Louisiana, Missouri yea a City named after a fucking sate. However, besides obesity I also found the MoMo which is short for Missouri Monster, but that can be hard to say.
MoMo is a bipedal Midwestern cousin of Sasquatch. However, MoMo is known for being a little more aggressive towards campers than his west coast cousin who is known for being an asshole to constructions workers and not campers. MoMo has been described by locals to have a big ass head with a furry body it is said to be about 7ft tall and the average MoMo can weigh a shitton. MoMo was first sighted by a woman named Mary Ryan someone who has two first names… she reported seeing the creature along the banks of the Missourah River in 1971 and said that it smelt bad and ate dogs. The lamestream media shrugged the sighting off as a rouge black bear. Then in 1972 two more people who have two first names reported see the MoMo. Terry Wally, and Dorris Harrison reported seeing the creature in repeated patterns for two weeks and sent tracks they found to some other asshole, with two first names, Lawerence Curtis at the City Zoo. Old Larry pronounced the tracks as a ‘hoax’ yea fucking right Larry. My guess and from what I saw and gathered is that either that fucked up ALF is still hunting the banks of the Missourah river for its next canine meal, or the government has it working at Area 51. As always eyewitness sketch evidence! (MoMo is elusive as fuck so no pics)
Hey is that cousin IT? hah…stupid MoMo.. #MoMoisReal
MoMo fucks with campers… #NotChillMoMo
Oh and fuck you National Parks Service(NPS) and Steve.
Peacing the fuck out of Elksworth, WI we are going, going, back… back to California. To the Palm Desert on the search for Bigfoot’s southern and quite possibly more intelligent cousin…. The Yucca Man.
At first glance Yucca Man seems like just another one of those run of the mill forgotten by lamestream ‘scientists’ ape-like cryptids. Reports from locals and around the web paint an interesting picture. First sighted in 1971 near a military base in Twenty Nine Palms, California. Which is like this really ritzy and not weird at all little town in the southern desert. The creature was sighted by two armory guards who witnessed it on the base and yelled “stop” to which the creature basically responded “fuck you!” and charged the two guards grabbing their rifles bending them in half, and knocking those poor SOBs to the ground. In the months that followed other guards spotted an ape-like creature that walked upright stalking the desert surrounding the base….this is where the story gets strange.
Soon after the sightings began men from both the FBI and CIA started showing up asking questions…. why the fuck would the G-Men care about bigfoot’s cousin?! Something had to be up. Well I think I found it…. the Yucca Man might be the world’s first super intelligent Cryptid… and he is a conservative asshole, who loves Jeeps. I’ll explain.
Scouring the internet for information on this elusive creature I came accross www.Yuccaman.com and thinking it was a fellow researcher’s page I clicked on it, but to my surprise I found that it was THE fucking Yucca Man’s homepage and he is reaching out and what is he saying?….. well he is reaching out to tell us that Obama is a socialist asshole… fucking great. The first bigfoot that can talk and he is a conservative asshole. Oh and he really likes Jeeps there is a whole page dedicated to pictures of jeeps on that website.
Also as always picture EVIDENCE that those dickheads at the National Parks Service can suck on.
Leaving the land of the mysterious and elusive as fuck Chessie we Go West! Towards the dark recesses of the cheese state, Wisconsin.
Setting my moccasins towards the town of Elksworth, and the rural Bray Road that leads to it on the search for one of North America’s more sinister cryptids… The Beast of Bray Road, or Bray Road Beast. The beast is said to be like bigfoot but with a fucking wolf’s head. It can weigh from 400-700 lbs and it’s diet consists of mostly cute forest animals and unsuspecting teenage hikers. Sightings of the creature began in the 1980’s the years when Elkhorn was a getaway for young, totally not coked out, wall street execs to relax for the weekend. The first sighting came from a young hiker who reported “a half wolf half ape like creature that had to weigh between 400-700 lbs, at least.” Since then the Beast has said to inhabit the Bray Road area mainly scaring the shit out of people and being an asshole. These sorts of reports have continued all the way until the 90’s. Sightings were so prevalent that Elksworth’s mother fucking number 1 investigative journalist Linda G. wrote an expose on the creature for the prestigious Walworth county Weekly. Google that shit non believers, Linda has some words for you…. lol. So here again we have another one of the universe’s creatures forsaken by mainstream (lamestream) science.
Still not sure, well check out this PHOTOGRAPHIC evidence that not even that fucker steve and those blowhards at the NPS can dispute.
The Beast Feasting #InsaneArtisticAccuracy #BrayRdExsists #HatersBeware
Now getting the fuck out of Ohio and heading due east brings us to the shores of the Chesapeake Bay and it’s mysterious inhabitant “Chessie.” Which yes is a much better sounding name than “Nessie.”
Chesapeake Bay is the United States’ largest estuary it has over like 100 rivers and streams flowing into it so it is no small wonder that it is home to the ultra bad ass Chessie. Chessie is said to be either a giant eel or an old school Zeuglodon… either way it rules the depths of the bay with an iron fist and ranges from 25-40ft long and overall does way more cool shit than Nessie ever did. Chessie’s diet consists mostly of the schools of fish that inhabit the bay, as well as the homeless from time to time. Sightiings of Chessie date back to 1943 as reported by perch fisherman Francis Klarrman who reported “A thing that rose 12ft out of the water and had a football shaped head” Francis refused to go back into the bay until the day he died. Than again just 39 years later in 1982 the creature was sighted again by a man who video taped a “brownish” something moving kind of like a snake… sounds like fucking Chessie to me. Sightings have continued all the way until 1997! So we are way overdue for the next big Chessie sighting. Those of you watchers on the east coast keep your eyes open! Chessie awaits. Also more photogrpahic evidence, shove that up your ass Steve and the rest of the NPS (National Parks Service).
#Damnthatsabigeel #ChessieLives #IToldYouStacey
#ProofPositive #Authentic #Chessie HD photographic proof.
Some dude named his boat Chessie… serious business. #TheSearchContinues
Leaving Jersey and thanking The Garden State (our host) we head out towards Ohio. More specifically Loveland, Ohio which is near Cleveland….? Or east of it or well it doesn’t matter its Ohio.
We are going to encounter a creature of the likes we have yet to see, an amphibious cryptid. We are looking for none other than The Loveland Frogman. Frogman sightings stretch all the way back to 1955 and since then there has been over 1 more sighting, and the most recent… 1988. The time of the Frogman is nigh. The Frogman was first spotted by a “prominent” business man who was driving down a road that runs along the Miami River on the way to Loveland. It was around three thirty in the morning, so he for sure wasn’t drunk, and he witnessed 3 Frogmen at the side of the road, so naturally being a white dude he pulled over to see what these Frogmen were doing. The business man watched the Frogmen for what he said seemed like an hour. Apparently all the Frogmen did was stand around, until one of them raised what seem to look like a wand and at that point the businessman bailed because when Frogmen are pulling out wands, shit is about to go down. Since that original sighting there have been two more. The first of which occurred in 1972 a Frogman was witnessed by a Police Officer(bound by the law to the truth) who reported that he had to slam on the brakes and almost struck what appeared to be some sort of “man frog thing.” The last sighting occurred in 1988 by some farmer or whatever people in Ohio did in the eighties. The Frogman, or men are said to range from 3-4 ft tall, with large round frog-like heads and spend most of their time crouched over. Their diets consist of small fish and large bugs mostly, it is known to go to great lengths like venture across busy roads for a good meal. So again we have discovered a creature forgotten by ‘scientists.’ 3 sightings in just 33 years, the numbers don’t lie. Neither does this hand drawn eyewitness drawing, or this mini doc from the fucking Society of Monster Spotters the leading mini doc authority on cryptids. Feast your eyes below. The Frogman is real.
It doesn’t get more definitive than this. #handdrawnevidence #AfuckingBusinessmanSawThis #Proof
We leave the Shadow of Mt. St. Helens and set our moccasins due east to the great state of New Jersey. However instead of hunting a sick ass tan we are on the lookout for the elusive Jersey Devil.
The Jersey Devil aka the Leeds Devil, or as locals call it ‘that shitty hockey team?’ inhabits one of the more sinister parts of the Garden State the southern Pine Barrens. The Devil has been describbed to look like a horse that is also a devil, a lot like a horse devil, so like a fucked up flying horse devil. The Devil’s origins are as fucked up as its appearance, in the early 18th century in the heart of the Pine Barrens an infamous hermit by the name of Mother Leeds was giving birth to her 13th child and during birth she chanted ‘let it be the devil’ and when the child was born it quickly transformed into this little fucked up horse and flew away. Sightings of the creature remained minimal until an explosion of sightings in 1909 brought press attention to the creature. Sightings have continued since then, reports of soldiers in forts firing on a winged creature, to stories of hunters too terrified to go back into the woods, as well as unidentified animal corpses being found on farmers land, all of these events and encounters like them have been on the rise since 1909. The Local “Devil” Hunters chapter near the Pine Barrens has reported at least 10 devil encounters since 2008, and that is only from those who have come forward about the Devil sightings countless remain in the shadows out of fear of embarrassment or shame. Are the Devil’s origins perhaps a little exaggerated? This self taught Cryptozologist would have to agree. However, dose the Devil infact exist?? I am going to have to say Yes the devil does in-fact exist. Just look at the numbers… 10 sightings in one year.. that is like almost one sighting a month, I dont understand why everyone can’t just accept these facts. Oh, wait I do know the decades long campaign of the NPS to suppress the real truth has made everyone numb. Don’t believe me? Well see what the experts say then http://njdevilhunters.com/ . Oh and then maybe this PHOTO evidence will help tip the scales.
Leaving behind Champ and his struggle to remain unseen we move across the map, literally, to the great pacific North West in pursuit of a lesser known Cryptid… Batsquatch, the Bat Sasquatch, or Squatchbat.
As the perfectly well adjusted and sociable locals call it, Batsquatch, is a large and unfriendly Cryptid that inhabits the evergreen state of Washington in the foothills and shadows of Mt. St. Helens. Batsquatch is described to have purple skin and deep piercing red eyes, with a gigantic wingspan. It has been reported as having a torso and almost resembling a sasquatch but with fucking wings. While Batsquatch is a carnivore it’s diet does not consist of humans, Batsquatch sustains itself by hunting deer and such. So thankfully there have yet to be any attacks. Batsquatch is a strange and mysterious creature that needs to be protected. If we keep encroaching on Batsquatch’s lands who knows what will happen to our small dogs and children.
Sightings began in the 1980’s so there has to be at least two of them. On dark stormy nights, as locals say, Batsquatch comes down from the mountain to steal livestock and hassle teenagers who dare camp in their back yards. No one knows where Batcquatch came from and no one knows how long it will stay.
We started our journey where most great journeys end, the golden hills and sunny beaches of mother Fucking California. Where we are going now is a infamous lake that is situated on the American-Canadian border and is in parts of New York (or Naw Yawk lol :) and Vermont. We are of course visiting the grandfather of lake dwelling Cryptids in North America. Champ, Lake Champlain’s very own Nessy.
Champ, Champie, Champy, Champoo, Champilike, or as the Natives Called it “Champ” is a freshwater dwelling plesiosaur that was frozen in an iceberg and survived until it melted creating the lake and trapping the plesiosaur in the lake. A plesiosaur is like this giant lizard that can swim and shit. So now Champ roams free, it’s diet consists of schools of fish and probably the homeless from time to time. Their have been reported sightings of Champ since 1600’s when settlers were fighting the Iroquois (A Native American tribe) on the banks of the lake, and the settlers reported seeing the creature multiple times. Although ‘scientists’ and the ‘discovery’ channel will tell you that those documents with the reports on them were proven to be hoaxes and only date back to the 1970’s, yea right bud. You could say that Champ is the CHAMPion of not getting discovered. Greedy circus baron P.T. Barnum offered a 50,000 reward to the men who could bring him a Champ carcass so the sick fuck could display it at his circus. In the early 2000’s sightings started to spike and there have been dozens of reported sightings every year since then. It is all right here in front of us, why would psycho circus baron B.T. Barnum want Champ if he was not real, why on google when you search for ‘Champ’ is Champ the third result right under Champs Footwear? I will tell you why, because Champ is real. Again I offer proof that not even those dickweeds at the NPS (National Parks Service) can dispute… it’s all about the photos bayyyybay.
Jeremy pointing out the obvious like a Champ! #ChampIsReal
Those fuck offs at the NPS say this is a “large floating log.” I say, fuck off.
Bing Bang Boom, we got ourselves Champ. #Proof #ThatisTotallyNotaDogSwimming #ItsChamp
